People with narcissistic tendencies often employ manipulative and controlling tactics when they interact with others. From gaslighting to blame-shifting to intimidation, narcissists tend to fall into easily identifiable patterns. Are you in a relationship with a narcissist? If you’re not sure, read on. These are the kinds of things that narcissists say — and what they really mean.
“You’re imagining things.”
This is basic gaslighting manipulation. If someone in your life says things like, “You’re imagining things” or “You must be remembering it wrong,” then they could be expressing narcissistic tendencies. What they are really doing is denying any personal responsibility and trying to make you question your own memories or perceptions.
“You’re overreacting!”
Narcissists don’t want to take responsibility for their own actions or words, so they try to invalidate other people in their lives. Another popular phrase is the age-old accusation, “You’re being irrational.” What the narcissist is really doing is belittling your concerns or trying to make you question the legitimacy of them.
“You made me do this.”
Blame-shifting is a common narcissistic trait. Again, since narcissists can struggle with taking responsibility for their own actions, they often try to shift the blame to the person they have conflict with. “If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t react this way.” They want to put their negative behavior right in your lap and try to convince you that it’s your fault.
“You’re lucky I put up with you.”
Narcissists will often resort to insults or unfair criticism to belittle you. They will try to project their struggles with self-worth and value back onto you. If they can convince you that you are also expressing similar negative actions, then they can deflect the attention away from the real problem: their behavior.
“No one cares about you like I do.”
Narcissists thrive best when their partners feel hopeless and isolated. By expressing falsehoods, like other people cannot or will not care about you the same way they do, the narcissist hopes to put you in a box all for themselves. After all, if you experience normal relationships outside of the narcissistic one, you may have realizations that they don’t want you to have.
“I don’t love you when you’re like this.”
Narcissists tend to withhold affection, attention, or support to get what they want. If they tell you that you have to “earn” their love or that they only love you when certain conditions are being met, then they are withholding from you and showing their narcissistic tendencies.
“You should be more like so-and-so.”
Another common tactic that narcissists employ is to bring in a third party to compare you to. They want you to feel jealous or insecure. They may say things like, “So-and-so says I’m amazing,” or “so-and-so said that I’m right.” This is just another manipulation tactic designed to make you doubt yourself.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
It’s true that sometimes people accidentally hurt others. But narcissists will commonly downplay their bad behavior to minimize their actions. This tactic often goes hand-in-hand with blame-shifting and gaslighting.
“I don’t know what would happen to me without you.”
This is also a common manipulative tactic used by narcissists to flatter their partners into thinking that they are needed. They want to create a sense of dependency and often want you to think that they will be in serious trouble if you leave them. This can further isolate anyone trapped in a relationship with a narcissist.
“I can never do anything right.”
This is a deflection tactic that narcissists love to employ to make the real victim feel like the abuser. When they are caught or called out for their narcissistic behavior, this tactic shifts the blame and they get to pretend to be the victim.
“You’ll regret it if you leave me.”
This not-so-vague threat is classic narcissistic behavior. Narcissists will threaten to ruin your life to keep you under their control. They may threaten to use private and personal information against you. Saying something like, “Maybe I should just tell everyone about how you…” makes the victim feel vulnerable and afraid.
Related: 10 Magnetic Traits for Happy Long-Term Relationships
Is Your Partner a Narcissist?
Many people display narcissistic traits now and then. But a true narcissist lives the same pattern over and over again. The cycle tends to be some form of tension building between themselves and you, followed by incidents that can only be described as abusive (emotionally or physically), and then periods of remorse. The cycle then continues with no real change occurring.
Related: Could You Tell if Your Relationship Was Toxic?
What Can You Do?
If you think you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it may be time to speak to a mental health specialist. A therapist can help you identify your partner’s traits and develop healthy coping mechanisms, like setting clear boundaries. They can also advise you on the best way to exit a narcissistic relationship when that time comes. It’s true that some narcissists can change over time, but it takes hard work and commitment on their part. If they are not putting in the work, change will not happen.
Related: 10 Tough but Important Steps to Establish Boundaries
