As if you needed a reason to skip the overly sugary, Pumpkin Spice Latte. Yes, that season has arrived so every fall-loving coffee drinker will be flocking to that oh-so-popular coffee chain to make their purchase of an overpriced, horrible, pumpkin imitation beverage. We have a few reasons why you should skip that and offer far better alternatives.
Reason #1: It’s Not Good
Ok, ok, we get it, it is full of sugar and people do think it’s delicious but if you’re expecting a delicious beverage that tastes like a pumpkin pie, a PSL is NOT it. Sure the spices are fall-themed and it has SOME resemblance of pumpkin but the amount of sugar you’re consuming is enough to make cotton candy blush. Before you come at me, yes, you can get the sugar-free version but is that really any better for you?
Reason #2: The Price
Maybe simultaneously having a sugar-induced coma and the jitters from a single caffeinated beverage is priceless to some but for this writer, I can think of so many better ways to spend $7. SEVEN DOLLARS. Gone are the days where you could get a coffee from a fancy place for a reasonable price. That could buy you a whole meal at a fast-food place! (I didn’t say a good meal.)
Reason #3: It’s the Reason We Have Pumpkin Everything
You’ve all seen the grocery store aisles once August hits… EVERYTHING is pumpkin-flavored. It has gotten so bad that I can’t even tell what’s a joke and what’s real anymore. Pumpkin Spice deodorant? Sure, I’m sure someone wants to walk around smelling like family Thanksgiving. I shudder to think what that would smell like in the August heat of the Midwest.
Reason #4: It’s Basic
Who knew one coffee drink would define a lifestyle!? Now, I’m as basic as they come (if the kids still call it that these days). I love leggings, tall boots, and oversized cable-knit sweaters, but even I can’t get behind the PSL. And even if I did, I would be ridiculed for being so painfully basic. It seems as though this beverage has been reserved for a very specific kind of woman. I do not like a coffee drink that shames people for enjoying it every year.
Reason #5: No Variations
How many times have you been in a coffee shop and heard someone take 5 minutes to place their coffee order? Half the time I have no idea what they’re saying! They’re speaking a new language that I dream of one day understanding. With the Pumpkin Spice Latte, you get what you get. You can switch out the whole milk for oak milk but other than that, there’s no variation to it. Don’t like cloves? Sorry, kid.
Reason #6: It Feeds Our Anxiety
Yes, because it has caffeine (or you can get the decaf, I suppose), but more importantly, it reminds us of a long, lost era. The time when we were kids during the holidays and everything was happy and fun and warm. It tricks us into thinking August is a cold month and we can break out those cable-knit sweaters and sit by the fire with loved ones. The Pumpkin Spice Latte takes us back to a time we can never visit and an outside temperature that won’t show up for at least another month! Such a trickster!
Reason #7: There are So Many Other Fall Flavors
Apple cider anyone? Maybe a delicious pecan pie? Or can I interest you in hazelnut? I get it, pumpkin pie is delicious but why has this flavor become THE fall flavor? Personally, I think apple is far superior — have you seen how many kinds there are?! One would think this would be an easier choice, seeing as how there is really only one kind of pumpkin. Would someone offer me cider on my fall hayrack ride or would it be a Pumpkin Spice Latte? Clearly, cider. Unless you’re going to some super posh, pumpkin-only, kind of hayrack ride. In which case, please send us that info.
Reason #8: It Wasn’t Supposed to Happen
Even the heads of the popular coffee company weren’t convinced this was the way to go for their fall menu. According to the internet, Tim Kern mentioned, “A number of us thought it was a beverage so dominated by a flavor other than coffee that it didn’t put Starbucks’ coffee in the best light,” and thought it was too easily copied. I tend to agree with Tim. Now I wonder, what would come of the fall season if they didn’t invent this beverage?
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Reason #9: It Was An Imposter
The Pumpkin Spice Latte craze began way back in 2003 and it wasn’t until much later that they added actual pumpkin. The specific year the recipe changed is debatable with some saying 2013 and others saying 2022 and some saying each store makes their syrup differently. However you look at it, for almost 10 years of the PSL, you weren’t drinking actual pumpkin in your coffee!
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Reason #10: Every Other Drink Is Worse
Lastly, the reason to stop buying the Pumpkin Spice Lattes is to make sure they stop trying to make competitor flavors. If we really must have a dedicated fall drink that brings so much joy to people, let it be pumpkin! For the love of all that is holy in this world, no one wants praline white chocolate with a dash of olive oil in their coffee. Give me the pumpkin flavor anything over “juniper and sage.” (Yes, that was once a thing.)
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