Baseball is supposed to be fun. But some players walk onto the diamond acting like they’re starring in a dramatic biopic instead of playing a game that includes bubblegum, sunflower seeds, and grown men wearing eye black.
From icy interviews to zero tolerance for jokes, these MLB stars treated every inning like a life-or-death situation. Whether they were giving death stares over bat flips or throwing shade because someone smiled in the dugout, here are 15 players who could’ve used a chill pill or two.
15. Chase Utley
Utley played hard, fast, and absolutely joyless. He was all business, all the time, like smiling might’ve thrown off his batting stance.
14. Curt Schilling
Schilling was always ready with a hot take or a serious quote about grit and sacrifice. He talked like he was narrating a war documentary, even when discussing a blister.
13. Madison Bumgarner
Bumgarner has a legendary scowl and once yelled at a guy for looking at him too long after a home run. He seemed personally offended by anything remotely resembling fun.
12. Carlos Beltrán
Beltrán was a brilliant player, but rarely cracked a smile and treated postgame questions like a Supreme Court hearing. He played like there was a “no nonsense” clause in his contract.
11. Zack Greinke
Greinke’s dry, robotic delivery and total lack of visible emotion made him feel more like a computer than a pitcher. Even when he was hilarious, it somehow felt completely unintentional.
10. John Lackey
Lackey never met a strike call he didn’t argue or a dugout camera he didn’t glare into. He constantly looked like someone had just stolen his lunch money.
9. Albert Belle
Belle hit bombs and terrified everyone around him while doing it. He once chased down kids on Halloween—so yeah, not exactly a goofball.
8. Kevin Brown
Brown treated every start like Game 7 and every reporter like an inconvenience. His intensity was unmatched, and his mood was always set to brooding.
7. Chris Carpenter
Carpenter had ace stuff and a no-nonsense demeanor to match. Celebrations? Smiling? Not unless it was after a complete-game shutout.
6. Dennis Eckersley
Eck had the confidence of a rockstar and the attitude of a guy who didn’t think jokes were funny unless they were about him. He had his own swagger code—and only he could follow it.
5. A.J. Burnett
Burnett took his craft seriously and expected everyone else to do the same. His glare could freeze a volcano, and he made it clear that he wasn’t there to make friends.
4. Roger Clemens
Clemens approached pitching like it was a battlefield. He once threw a broken bat at Mike Piazza and then tried to say he thought it was the ball—peak serious guy energy.
3. Tony La Russa
Okay, not a player, but worth including because no one in baseball history has frowned at fun more consistently. He managed like he was guarding national secrets and seemed personally offended by bat flips.
Read More: Ranking the 20 Most Charismatic MLB Stars Ever
2. Alex Rodriguez
A-Rod was obsessed with his image, his legacy, and being taken seriously at all times. Whether it was mirror-kissing photos or press conferences with pre-written apologies, he was never not in PR mode.
Read More: The 20 Greatest MLB Trash-Talkers of All Time
1. Bryce Harper (early years)
Let’s be honest—Harper has loosened up lately, but young Bryce was all eye black, hair flips, and “don’t you dare question me” energy. He was as talented as he was dramatic, and he took every swing like it came with a Shakespearean monologue.
Read More: 10 Reasons Why MLB Fans Have Had Enough of Bryce Harper
