Research shows that one in four Americans are no longer in contact with at least some of their family members. These days, it seems far more common for adult children to cut contact with their parents. So, what’s going on?
Choosing to Break Away
It’s never easy to choose to step away from a relationship with your parents. They were likely the most important people in your life from a very young age. Completely distancing yourself from the people who raised you is so tough. So why would anyone do it? Well, there are quite a few reasons an adult child might choose to cut their parents out of their lives. Notably, these reasons rarely match up between the parents and the kids, which can lead to some serious frustration for the parents.
The Divide
Many parents of adult children who have cut them out of their lives have a few ideas about why this happened. They feel as though their kids’ romantic partners, the other parent, or some other third party was to blame for their kids no longer seeing reason. However, most of the offspring in these cases disagreed. In reality, a few more pressing and less flattering scenarios have come between their parent-child relationship.
Modernity and Mental Health
Perhaps the biggest cultural shift that has led to this uptick in kids cutting their parents out is the renewed focus on mental health in the 2020s. After the COVID-19 pandemic, many people took the time to closely examine their mental health, speaking to professionals and researching the topic. They often found their relationship with their parents was a topic of consternation.
Toxic Behavior
Many adult children cite their parents’ toxic behavior as their reason for cutting contact. This can include narcissistic interactions, or the parents feeling like they’re “owed” respect simply because they’re older. In these cases, the children could be resentful of lifelong toxic patterns that have worsened their mental health.
Different Values
Let’s not mince words: since around 2015, the political climate of the US has been extremely hostile. This divide is starkly felt along generational lines, and many younger people simply can’t keep up relationships with their parents over their perceived gulf in values.
Abuse
Some adult children also report cutting off their parents due to patterns of abusive behavior from when they were minors. The parents in these cases often don’t think of their actions from the past as having been abuse, despite their adult children expressing their negative emotions regarding the events they characterize as abusive.
Lack of Support
Sometimes, it’s as simple as the adult children feeling that their parent never supported their life choices. Parents who wanted their kids to become doctors might passive aggressively snipe at their choice to become a chef, instead. This can chip away at a person’s self esteem and lead them to cut contact.
Coming Out
It’s surprising to hear that people are still homophobic in the modern era, but it’s true. Some parents are unsupportive after their children come out as gay, and others are outright hostile. Often, these parents don’t even realize that their poor behavior has caused them to distance themselves from their children, instead choosing to blame their kids for being unable to handle “tough love.”
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Lack of Empathy
Some people are too narcissistic to ever empathize with others. In these cases, it can be extremely distressing for someone who is going through a tough time to even talk to them. When adult children are struggling to pay their bills and navigate the brutal realities of the modern world, having their wealthy, entitled parents tell them to just “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” is beyond infuriating.
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Can You Mend the Divide?
Once an adult child has cut off contact, can a parent do anything to mend the gap? That depends on the particulars of the situation. If you want to be part of your child’s life, start by being honest with yourself. Were you a good parent to them? And, if not, how are you going to fix it now? Before you’re honest with yourself, you’re going to be unable to start a dialogue with your estranged child.
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